It’s standard practice for patients to be starved a few hours before going to the operation room for surgery but it didn’t matter that much if i ate or not because my brain couldn’t know the difference. So i gazed at the white ceilings with grey spots and waited for the knife. My head had been pulled away from my body for two weeks now (head halter traction)….still tired. As my parents were signing consent forms my heart was as calm as the summer breeze, I was tired. The OR had bright lights, the brightest i had seen, for a moment I thought about the possibility of walking towards a brighter light that day, my heart didn’t skip a beat, cool as it could be. The doctor looked down at me to say some words of reassurance before the surgery begun, my mind drifted away to oblivion, a place where his words wouldn’t give me renewed hope. Prior to that day i hadn’t had a good nights sleep for days and i couldn’t wait for the good doctor with good intentions to stop talking so that the anesthesiologist would inject my IV and put me to sleep. The anesthetic was cold, it froze my whole body once it hit my bloodstream. I remember drifting away to a deep deep sleep and for the first time in my stay at the hospital i felt peace. I didn’t want it to end; but like all good things in this world, it’s end was inevitable. I came to at around nine at night. The drugs had worn out, allowing me to feel things. Very painful things, both physical and psychological. The plan was just as it had been the days before. Stare into the White ceilings with grey spots until the eyes gave up but somehow i that wouldn’t work that day. I wanted to drift off once more, i wanted a taste of more peace so i gathered the bits of strength that had remained and started singing a song. A song i had become so familiar with, “Nurse!! Nurse!! Nurse!! Help me!!”. She answered my call, i asked for painkillers; I pleaded, I begged. Her hands were tied, I wasn’t on subscription, all that was left for her to administer was her words of comfort. Noise to my ears. She left. I felt abandoned. I was in so much pain, I wanted it to end, i wanted to go, i was tired. I said my prayer and made peace with my maker. Now the wait, “be patient, it’s almost time” i thought to myself as I stared at the white ceilings, the same ones with grey spots…goodbye old friend. I could feel it now, peace was near, my heart was beating in calmness, such serenity. But my hand was held, pulling me back from my desires. My father had been made aware about my condition and had come back to the wards in the dead of night; he was the one holding my hand. Deep in prayer. Suddenly I didn’t see the rush to go in search of peace. Peace was finding me. I slept till afternoon the following day, I woke up….ceilings, glad to have you back. Part of me was disappointed that it wasn’t clouds i was seeing but the greater part was booming with determination. So much will was in the air. Heartbeat excited. It was time to fight for life. The fight is still on, join me, not giving up feels so good.
Brian 